teenagers

Teens Say the Darndest Things

Back in the day when the world was only in black and white, there was a 1960s television show called, “Kids say the darndest things.” Ark Linkletter was the host who would interview adorably precocious kids who said all kinds of hilarious things. Bill Cosby revived it later in the 90s. It was based on young kids who didn’t quite get things right and tickled us with their innocent inaccuracies.

Well, I’m here to tell you that kids sometimes never grow up. Teenagers can be just as naive and ridiculously funny (with an emphasis on “ridiculous”). Which can also be scary because these are the same adolescents who are supposedly preparing to launch into adulthood in a few years…or seconds. Some of them will be leaving home and trying to survive in the real-world jungle on their own without being eaten by the realities of navigating ATM machines, grocery carts, or the post office for the first time.

The following are ACTUAL quotes from just-such-Innocents AKA teenagers. I’ll leave it to you to decide if we want these kids to vote, cook our fast-food burgers, procreate, and become mayor some day.

“Do we have a zip code?”

“Do guys have ovaries?”

“Can I use a Christmas stamp to mail something in July?”

(As mom is going through menopause) 13-year-old said, “Yeah, it’s hot out today. I bet you’re really sweating because of your dementia.”

(a text): Happy Mother’s Day. Did you move my charger?

Mom sent her teen to the grocery story with a list. Self check out asked how many cilantro he was buying. He counted each stem and the total came out to $60 for one bunch of cilantro.

Teenager said he couldn’t read the letter from his grandfather because it was in Spanish. Cursive…it was in cursive.

Teenager daughter’s car broke down. She got hysterical “cuz all the emojis came on.”

“Where is the elbow grease?”

Freshman in college was horrified the cafeteria was serving whale. Turned out to be “okra” not “orca.”

Teenager was upset after receiving his first paycheck because they took out some for a FICA guy and he didn’t tell them that they could!

Teen texts mom from Subway: “What do I usually order?”

Son needed mom to order a croissant for his date to the dance (corsage).

Teen asks mom when her social security card expires. Mom says, “When you die.”

Teen was making a delivery and called the customer for the gate code to get into the community. The teen on the other end of the phone said, “hashtag 137”

Teen fills out blood type: “Good.”

Son fills out a job application and asks dad, “Have I ever been convicted of a felony?”

“What time zone am I in?

“How do I make half a sandwich? What am I supposed to do with the other piece of bread?”

13-year-old son went in for an eye exam. The nurse asked him to cover his right eye and read the 6th line. He just stood there. She asked him to go ahead and read the 6th line. Finally, after a few minutes of an awkward silence, the nurse said, “Honey, can’t you see the line?” He replied, “Of course I can see it. I just can’t pronounce that word.”

20-year-old daughter asked her parents who would be her guardian if both her parents died. “Um, you’re an adult. You are you own guardian.”

At the opening for a teenager’s new bank account:

Bank employee: Can I get your social?

Teen: (proceeds to give her IG handle)

“Is euthanasia a country or a continent?”

Mom was waiting for some cancer biopsy test results and her son called to ask, “So what’s the result of your autopsy?”

“What happens when all the miles run out on the car?”

Son forgot his tube of face cleanser and had no idea how to use a bar of soap. “Do I wet it? Do I wet my hands first? Or do I wet my face first? I don’t understand what is happening here.”

From the recent eclipse:

“If I look at the sun too long it will damage my urethra.”

“Can I watch in a t-shirt or do I have to be completely covered?”

“I’ve been staring at the sun all week to get my eyes ready.”

“How many days is it going to be dark for?”

Well, folks. These are the real kids walking around in our neighborhoods with sharp scissors and making decisions behind the wheel of cars. I hope we can do better turning teens into functioning adults. I wouldn’t want to run into one of them in a dark alley without their bottle of face cleanser. Who knows what crazy thing they might do.

Source: the leighton show

Cellphone and Saddles

cellphone

My son sent me a text last week and I answered, “Great” and quickly pushed the SEND button. Then I saw that the auto-correct changed my one-word response to “Breast.” Not exactly the word or meaning I wanted to send to my 24-year-old son.

Texting. You gotta love it.

True to my rebellious, non-conformist nature, I fought against owning a cell phone. I’m one of those “old fashioned” mothers who believes in the tried-and-true traditions of speaking to people face to face, or at least on the phone, if necessary. You know…the measure of a true two-way conversation. I also adhere to research outcomes that show a connection between attuning our brains to face-to-face social contact and better physical and emotional health.

When my oldest daughter was in high school, cell phones were transforming from a “want” to a “need” among teenagers.  She was really distraught that we didn’t jump on this newest technology trend. She’d argue, “What will I do when I need to ask my friends to go to the movies/store/party with me?” The answer was so obvious to me I almost couldn’t believe I was conversing with a rational person: “Walk up to them and say, ‘Do you want to go to the movies/store/party with me?'”

No, it seems we have to text the question now. Any question. Any thought that comes into our mind. Any nonsensical, acronymic idea. The demise of the English language will slowly disintegrate as we all LOL.

Let me share something that illustrates our “evolution” of vocabulary. I was the judge for the 2012 Utah state high schools poetry contest. One entry written by Joey King received 2nd place. Vote on which love poem you’d like to receive and then ask yourself, why?

The Evolution of Love Poems

                Neanderthal, Germany

Two figures on a cave wall

Not quite touching

Between them, a fire

Mesopotamia

A hundred leagues I traveled wearing the skin of a lion

Having the strength of eight oxen and the body of a god.

Then why this sadness deep within?

Rome

When will I be conquered?

I, who have torn down the Celtic gods,

And strewn salt in Carthage’s wounded womb;

I, who have beaten Sparta and made its bronze

Ring like a bell? I, who have sailed an army

Down the Nile and torn apart the pyramids

brick by brick? When will I be conquered?

When you open your pale white hand.

Medieval Europe

I know myself am common born,

Low and base and mean,

But when I hear thee call me love

I think myself a king.

Victorian England

Roses are red violets are lilac,

You hold my heart in your hand like Shylock.

The New World

Before they tear the beating hearts from their victims’

Chests, the savages give them a poisoned wine

To deaden the pain. You give me nothing.

20th Century

Entrenched in my love for you

I have forgotten to feel the edge of your letter

In my pocket. Your scent is long gone.

I feel blown to bits.

Ten Seconds Ago

Do U ❤ me?

Check yes or no.

 

Texting is a wonderful, terrible thing. It is wonderful. I do love many aspects of it and have embraced my cell phone (well, given it a lukewarm hug) in many ways. But…

I have university students who cannot write a paper without using texting punctuation, as if they wrote it on their phone and forwarded it to me! Parents have the ugly duty of teaching their children the realities of sexting and other promiscuous perils that come with phone use. My daughter said she has a friend who has banned herself from Twitter because she has become a “Tweetaholic.” Who hasn’t been in a room with a teenager holding a phone and while you are trying to have a conversation, you watch them answer unrelenting texts, play games or surf the web?

How far will it go? I feel parents are riding a willful horse; technology is taking us all for a ride and many don’t have the reigns firmly in hand. I know I don’t. I’m still struggling and have been saddle-sore now for many years.