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Having a conversation with myself 50 years ago (part 4)

Church Etiquette

When you have a child was is older than about 3 years old, don’t let them bring pencils, paperwork, etc to draw on in church. It really annoys the people in front and in back. They should never have to ever be drawing in their life at church. When you have a baby or a small child, you usually have little baby books and crackers. Then, when they get older, but not old enough to get a full, complete understanding of the talks, they should have book that have stories of Jesus and what He did on the Earth, etc. If you do have them draw, then all they think church is is fun and games and don’t pay attention. They never really take it seriously. Then, when you want them to now draw and to start listening, they will throw a temper tantrum.

I have to admit, I totally missed the mark on this. I must have watched a lot of disruptive kids in church who were coloring and distracting me in order to come up with this harsh criticism. I’m sorry to say that I was naive and judge-y in my young years. It reminds me of a quote that was something like, “I was a great parents before I had kids.” In other words, in my head, this probably sounded great. But in reality, the execution of wrangling kids in church becomes a survival of the fitness and exercise in desperation. As a mom, I now wouldn’t prohibit parents from resorting to anything to keep their children coming to church and not strangling each other in the meeting. I’d bribe them with Fruit Chews, sparkling markers and coloring books, and toys (although I do draw the line with toys that make noises). Heck, I’d bring a clown circus if that would keep them in their seats.

But I get the thing about wanting them to learn about Jesus over the pulpit, week after week. That’s a sweet sentiment. I agree that kids have a huge capacity to absorb the spirit and feel testimonies shared. I’m grateful my parents brought me to church, week after week, and for many of those years, that was twice each Sunday! This was before the block meeting schedule and required more back and forth. It was definitely a day we devoted to worship and staying in our Sunday dress. I have good memories of those years.

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What Would Jesus Do?

Another thing to make the house pleasant is to hang a picture of Jesus in the living room or family room. Then, always imagine that this is really Him in real life and He is watching and listening to everything you are saying and doing. Then, you will always be reminded to do the right thing He would want you to do. When you hold Family Home Evening, start out with and end with family prayer. Kneel down in a circle and hold hands. It will bring you closer together as a family. Be sure to hold family prayer daily. Your children will look back and remember those times with a good feeling inside.

I’m impressed that I was way ahead of the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) world-wide trend. I didn’t have a picture of Jesus hanging up in our living room, but I had a few small statues of Christ in the house. We also had a picture of the SLC temple and a few scriptures hanging up in the living and family room: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” and “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.”  We had family prayer every day, although not usually kneeling and holding hands, and as I look back, I do have good feelings inside and I hope my kids do too, and practice these in their families.

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Final Parenting Advice from an 11-Year-Old

If you have a job or something you want your child to do, just say, “I want you to do this_________and I’m telling you once and once is only all I need to tell you. If you don’t do it now, then you will have to do something extra.” Be sure that if they don’t mind you, that they do an extra job. If you teach your children at an early age to mind you, then later, you won’t have to keep calling them and calling them. For example, if you are ready to eat and some child is outside, call out and say, “Dinner is ready” and if they don’t come, then they don’t get any. If they come 15 minutes later or longer, stick to what you said and don’t let them have that meal. It is so important that you teach them as soon as they know what you are talking about. If they learn very early, then for the rest of your life, you can be blessed with children that do what you want them to do when they are asked. Keep applying this forever. Then, when they know how much you want them to respond right away to the chore request, you don’t keep reminding them. Ask them to clean a room (or something like that) right away. if you come back 5 minutes later and they haven’t started, say, “Okay, no supper for you” and stick to what you said. Don’t let them con you out of it. Then the next time you ask them to do something, they know what to expect if they don’t do it right away.

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I was also way ahead of the “Love and Logic” parenting book method. I appreciate the intent of what I’m trying to do here: show the effect of immediate consequences of reward or punishment so a parent doesn’t nag and nag and become ineffective with empty requests and threats. After raising five children, I also appreciate that it’s not so cut-and-dry. In theory, rewards and consequences should guide our parenting practices. In application, there is space for real life with real people. But I do agree that children should know what is expected and feel supported in contributing to family life. It teaches them that the real world will expect the same and the home is where we prepare our children to succeed out there.

Having a conversation with myself 50 years ago (part 3)

Parenting Advice from an 11-year-old

I will continue transcribing excerpts from my journal, below in blue. To sum up this topic of communication and trust, I wrote:

If one of your kids does something bad and another one tells you about it, don’t say, “Okay I’ll talk to him later.” Because parents get busy and distracted and they forget and the child might never get corrected. It’s very important to teach your kids now because we are just borrowing them from our Heavenly Father to prove that we can teach kids the right way. And they will turn out good or bad from what we teach them. Remember that now you may have jobs and classes and other things to do, but what you will have in heaven is your children and nothing else. So they will be what you spend your time with. The jobs will be forgotten. It is better to establish a good relationship with your kids by going on trips, picnics, camping, skiing, etc. so they know that home is a wonderful place where they can be loved.
Whenever something happens that shouldn’t (like there is a broken plate on the kitchen floor), and you ask everyone who did it and someone speaks up right away to say they did it, don’t get mad. In that situation there is no reason to be angry. In the first place, your child didn’t mean to do it. In the second place, he or she didn’t lie or wait until later to say it. Now if they did speak up right away, just have them clean up the dish. But if they don’t say it right away or lie and you find out later that it was that person, you can get mad. But it would be best if you wouldn’t be mad and just talk it over with the child and ask why he or she lied and see if they can do better the next time. If you do it this way, the other people in the family will see that each time they do something bad and are honest, it will be easier. If someone does lie, but later they come back to you and say they did it, don’t get mad because they are repenting. It took a lot of courage to tell you that and getting mad at them will just make it harder to tell you so. They might not even tell you the next time.

I’m touched by my younger self. I don’t remember writing most of this journal at 11-years-old and I’m impressed with how perceptive I was about human behavior, psychology, and parenting. I find it amazing that 50 years later, I now study, research, write about, and teach these subjects for a profession. I’ve written and published two parenting books that I suppose, had their genesis in these journal entries when I was still a child. I love the true parenting strategy of not alienating our children by getting mad after they made a mistake. I actually teach why and how to do this in a university class. It’s so important-but hard to do! The other thing I am touched by is how I lecture myself about keeping an eternal perspective. All the worldly stuff will not matter in heaven. We keep our family and our memories and experiences after we die and that’s about it. I already understood the principle of focusing on what matters most. I want to tell my 11-year-old self: You are amazing. You are so right.

Having a conversation with myself 50 years ago (part 2)

This continues my reflection on the journal entries I made as an 11-year-old. I will type out excerpts about all the goals I had for myself as a parent and respond how I did to my younger self. (I’ve corrected punctuation and spelling)

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Did You Think To Pray?

Another thing I want to remember to do as a mom is to always teach your children to pray. Even if you say, “And be sure to say your prayers” to my kids. You’re not there to witness them saying their prayers so it is up to them to do it by themselves. My mom would often say that to do but I wouldn’t bother. Make sure EVERY NIGHT to gather as a family to pray. In a few years it will be normal to them to pray. You will NEVER make it to the Celestial Kingdom if you don’t pray. NEVER. Start to teach them when they are young. It is a very, very hard thing to do.

That bit about “not making it to the Celestial Kingdom” was a result of a conversation I remember vividly with my mom. I hadn’t been praying, and the thought struck me that there might be some eternal consequences for that. I remember asking my mom around that age, “Will I make it to the Celestial Kingdom if I never pray?” That’s a tricky question and I admire my mom for taking it seriously. Her simple answer was, “No,” which was a life changing moment for me. From that moment on, I began saying my personal prayers each night. I’m grateful for my mom’s boldness and sensitivity to my pivotal question.

To answer my strict orders to my future self, I hope I did okay teaching my kids to pray. I remember having family prayers regularly, especially around family meals, and kneeling with each child by their bedside to hear their personal prayers. At some point, when they were not little kids anymore, I gave them the privacy of personal prayers. I can only hope and pray now that they have continued and are teaching their own children how to talk every day with their Heavenly Father.

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Clothes Make the Woman

Clothes are the next topic of importance. Keep yourself slim and wear neat clothes. That’s what I notice in older women: their hair, what shape their body is in, their clothes and shoes. Being beautiful is very important.
Buying really neat clothes for your children is VERY important. Cute little dresses for young girls and little overalls and football shirts for the boys. When I was in 5th and 6th grade, having neat clothes was the most important thing people knew you by. Unmatching tops and pants, hand-me-downs, high-bottom pants (which aren’t in style right now) and old clothes are really sick.
Shoes are just as important as anything. Right now to have Adidas, Pumas, Nike’s, and really good $30 shoes are the “in” thing. I don’t have them because mom and dad say that my feet will grow too fast for good shoes. I don’t really blame them either so good $17 shoes which resemble the good brands and what I want are finally what I’m going to get. I’m really thankful for them.

Back to the future. I’m surprised to read how materialistic I was. I honestly did not remember caring so much about fashion and judging others so strictly. To my 11-year-old self: I will report back that I didn’t do all you wanted. I try to stay fit and wear neat (as in “clean”) clothes but they aren’t the most fashionable most of the time. My kids often wore nice hand-me-downs or thrifted clothes and I’m not apologetic about that either. It’s good to stay humble and not spend a ton of money chasing after fashion. I didn’t want to raise high-maintenance girls or materialistic boys so I intentionally kept their wardrobe moderate and modest. I’m grateful to report all five kids turned out to be awesome adults!

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Cheaters, Liars, and Shoplifters

Tell your kids this and remember it yourself: no matter what you do – if you cheat, lie, or fight, it may not matter here on earth. A little cheating will get you through a test or get you candy from the cupboard if you lie about taking it. It will just be counted against you in heaven. Every day, anything you do, no matter if it is punching your brother or sister because you got mad to relieve your tension or get revenge will be counted against you. ANYTHING you do may not have consequences here. If you are tempted to take a candy bar from the store and do, what will it do? It will quench your taste buds and maybe lead you into more and greater bad things you will do. But just that little thing that doesn’t do much will be counted against you.

Earth is a test and you doing either one thing or another to affect your final grade. Here’s an exaggerated example: a guy who never cheated but was stupid and didn’t get high grades but studies hard and later didn’t get a good job and dies of starvation will be blessed in heaven. Why do people do little wrong things when they know it’s wrong? It might content you here but you will sit back later and mourn over it and practically die of a broken heart and say, “Why didn’t I do right?” Think of this dinky little time we have here on earth and think of all those never-ending days we will have in heaven to regret or be thankful for what we did here. Think of this poem by David O. McKay:

“Day by day, hour by hour, we are building the kind of person we are going to be forever.”

I’m really impressed with my eternal perspective and moral judgement, especially after reading my superficial ideas about clothing. Many of the strong opinions I held in my journal are irrelevant and frankly, impractical, but here is an entry that is worth gold. I’m grateful to that 11-year-old self for having the strength to see right from wrong and fortitude to express truth. I agree with her and have tried to live these principles and teach them to my children. I’m grateful for my parents, church leaders, and anyone else who shaped these eternal truths in my mind and helped me cement them while I was young to build a foundation of values that have guided my life.

Having a conversation with myself 50 years ago (part 1)

I began writing a journal at 11 years old. I know this because I have proof. Not only is my handwriting adorable, I am charmed that I wanted to have a conversation with my “old” mom self to remind me of what it was like to be 11 years old, 50 years ago today.

I also find it adorable that my very next thought was about my future husband – who is was and where he lived. Little did I know that in a few months, he would be moving from Hawaii to live in my same town and see me at church at the drinking fountain. This 11-year-old boy would know in that moment that I would someday be his wife. So he more than wondered about his future wife. He knew it would be me.

These looseleaf notebook papers are quite precious to me now but since they are written in pencil and deteriorating, I thought I’d pull out quotes to preserve them and report back to my 11-year-old self. I had some pretty strong opinions and told myself a thing or two about what I should do as a mom! Not all my ideas were practical but I admire how determined I was.

So here goes. I’ll insert quotes and then have a conversation with myself 50 years ago.

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The Pre-Teen Swimming Suit Angst

It’s spring vacation this week and we’re going to the coast. We shopped around for a swimming suit today because the one we ordered I didn’t like. Mom and dad did, of course, they like anything that’s dumb sometimes. It had tank top shoulder straps and was one piece and looked stupid. This is what mom and dad always do in a case like this. It’s two more days until time to leave and mom says, “You will just have to wear the one we ordered because we don’t have enough time to shop for one. I’ve been looking for swimming suits for months and haven’t found one and I doubt you will find one today” (Dad was going downtown and I wanted to go with him to look). So I finally got to go with him and we looked at all the good stores that had swimming suits (three) except one of them which was Fred Meyer. But before we got there, we (dad and I) sat down in the car and he says, “Mom has looked at Fred Meyer lots of times and there wasn’t any there so we think the one you have now is good material, will last a long time, looks modest, and makes you look older. The two choices you have is to wear the one you have or don’t go swimming.” Now here comes the good part. Dad says, “Mom would have a bad trip if I didn’t go swimming” and knowing mom and dad, I’d get into lots of trouble if I don’t go swimming since they paid for the nice hotel. He says I have two choices when I really have one. That’s to wear that retarded swimming suit. But dad said if it would make me feel better, we could go to Fred Meyer. I found a cute swimming suit. I don’t want to be like that when I grow up.

First, can I just say “kudos” to my dad for taking me downtown to shop after my mom had exhausted her resources. He had better things to do than drive around an angsty, grumpy, pre-teen in a small town with very limited retail options. I am embarrassed at how harsh I was on my parents and opinionated I was on nearly every topic. It’s true, dad really only gave me one viable choice with a guilt trip served on the side, but I can’t think of much I’d do differently with such limited options and short deadline. It must have been exhausting to raise finicky me. The fact is, dad did take me to that last store and we did find an acceptable swimming suit and he did buy it for his very undeserving daughter. He kept his patience in this frustrating situation. He could have turned around and gone home with me sulking in the backseat.

So to 11-year-old me: I’m sorry. I was probably “that” parent too. I sure hope so. To my dad: I’m even sorrier. You gave me more than I deserved.

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Food, Glorious, Food

I always say things like when I grow up, I’ll have better lunches than we have now. When I wake up and try to find a civilized breakfast, nothing is there. Mom always says, “I’ll love to come and visit you when you have a family because you’ll be living like rich people, but I hope you marry for love.” Really, I do want to change a lot of things when I grow up. I’ll write as much as I can think of. When I grow up, I can see how much it compares.
To start out, FOOD…definitely better breakfasts. I hardly have any now. Bacon, eggs, sausages. And for cold cereal (I don’t know if these will be on the market when I’m older): Trix, Fruit Loops, anything with sweet things in it. Mom always says she doesn’t buy cereal like that because it isn’t good for us and costs too much. But I hope I have enough money from what my husband earns to buy things like that. At least I want breakfasts with bacon, eggs, toast, sausages, oranges and pancakes, juice, WHOLE milk, no powdered milk. I despise powdered milk. I also love frozen grape juice but mom says that costs too much too. I want these things too: Pop-Tarts (in case they don’t have them in the future they are sorta triangular things with icing on top with blueberry, cherry, or strawberry filling). And anything from Hostess. Good things like that.

I can hardly type this out without falling down laughing. Where do I begin with a reasonable reply to my 11-year-old self? How wise my mom was to respond to my irascible temperament with a smile and even response of “I look forward to coming to your house when you are a mom.” She knew how volatile were my opinions and it wasn’t worth engaging in an argument. She took the higher road. And to be fair: I have no idea what I was talking about having no “civilized” food in the house for breakfast. I make it sound like we were raised by wolves. Let me assure you, we were not. What a Drama Queen I was!

Now did I do what I felt so passionately about when I became a mom? How does it compare?

Well, I did buy cold cereal, but my own children can attest that it rarely involved the sugary kind. Sorry, no Trix or Fruit Loops on the regular shopping list. We sometimes had pancakes, eggs, sausage, and juice, but those are Saturday or Sunday morning special times. We didn’t have whole milk but we didn’t have powdered milk, either. Somewhere in between. I rarely bought anything from Hostess and can count on one hand the number of times I bought Pop-Tarts (yes, we still have those villainously diabetes-inducing things 50 years later). Pretty much I’m on par with my mom. And proud of it. In fact, just a few years ago, I wrote this poem:

In Praise of the Pop Tart

I remember cursing my mother

for serving oatmeal and stale toast

for breakfast. A small tsunami

in the blender of powdered milk

to wash it down.

When I’m a mom, I’ll buy Pop Tarts

to show my kids how much I love them.

Breakfast wrapped silver cellophane

just like the Jetsons on TV.

Two rectangles to a bag, a bonus of indulgence.

Icing on top. Jam inside. Oh, you were

rosy cheeked and freshly painted

with sprinkles masquerading as nutrition.

It’s not like the toaster didn’t know

how to open its sweet tooth

and heat my desires. I’ll fit in, then.

One for now, one for lunch so

friends will drip with envy.  How much

I still want that—the fake, the bangled

evidence of belonging.  A little heat

in my hand. The red crisp lips

curled in a knowing smile.

Yes, I could indulge my secret belief in you. 

So it goes from mother to child,

our blood thickened with

tinseled desires packaged for resale.

I could tell you this, today, as I stir

lumps out of oatmeal on the stove,

if you wish to unwrap happiness

before school, but it would

crumble like false friends,

turn to ash in your mouth.

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For Love or Money?

I wish I will marry someone rich so I don’t have to worry about my problems. But like whenever I get into a discussion with mom about what I want when I grow up, she always ends up saying a lecture about “marry for love and not for money.” I WILL mom, unless I’m really crazy when I’m older. Marriage is the most important thing in my life. It decides what I will be doing for the rest of my life. It decides how I will raise my kids, how my house will be like, who I will be spending the rest of my life with. It will decide a lot of things. I want to get a great big house with big rooms and lots of rich furniture in it. But there is one problem: I HATE to clean. Another thing I have to figure out is that I don’t want to spoil my children and give them neat stuff but want them to be grateful, kind, sweet little angels.

To myself 50 years ago: I found the right balance and made the best decisions. I don’t own a big house with big rooms and lots of rich furniture. It’s easier to clean and I don’t stress about keeping up with all the nicest, most expensive designs. I can assure my 11-year-old self that I wasn’t crazy when I became older. I didn’t spoil my children and they are the most kind, sweet little angels. Most importantly, I did marry for love. He’s the love of my life. I am the richest woman in the world.

Parent Triggers and Human Choices

Why do we get so annoyed, irritated, or downright angry in reaction our children’s mistake, squabbles, and personal assaults? We call this “pushing our buttons.” When someone pushes a button, say with a vending machine, the machine has no choice but to give the user what it wants. But if you think about it…

We are not machines. Or robots.

But we do have invisible buttons. We often call them “triggers.” Unlike a machine, we are humans and can choose to give the user what they want…or not. We can choose to react…or not.

“It’s often not what your child has actually done, but what you feel about what they’ve done that can tip you into a strong emotional reaction.”

Motherhood Redefined

This idea goes along with one of my favorite quotes. It’s by Viktor E. Frankl who suffered unbelievable pain and inhumanity in WWII concentration camps. He had every reason to turn bitter and vindictive. He had many opportunities to react in rage or revenge. He did not. In fact, he remarked that in the worst place on earth, he saw some of the best of human nature. He realized that the Nazis could take everything from a man but his own dignity and ability to choose.

In his book, “Man Search for Meaning,” he made this profound observation about “triggers”:

What sets us apart as humans from robots or any other life form is that sacred “space.” In that space is our power to choose our response.

When a child talks back disrespectfully (stimulus), we can honor what happens next by pausing (the space) and saying, “I’ll wait for you to say that again using respectful words.” And then stay quiet (response).

When a child breaks a rule (stimulus), we can stop and consider our response (the space). If there is already a consequence you’ve both agreed on, you can say, “I love you and want to honor the agreement of X as the consequence.” If there isn’t a consequence and you are triggered, take a moment to breathe, step away for a minute, or take a walk (the space). When you are ready, you might say something like, “Let’s think about what would be an appropriate consequence so you can fix it, learn how to do better, and learn from your mistake.” (response).

That space.

Everything that follows depends upon it.

Therein lies our (and our children’s) growth and freedom.

Teens Say the Darndest Things

Back in the day when the world was only in black and white, there was a 1960s television show called, “Kids say the darndest things.” Ark Linkletter was the host who would interview adorably precocious kids who said all kinds of hilarious things. Bill Cosby revived it later in the 90s. It was based on young kids who didn’t quite get things right and tickled us with their innocent inaccuracies.

Well, I’m here to tell you that kids sometimes never grow up. Teenagers can be just as naive and ridiculously funny (with an emphasis on “ridiculous”). Which can also be scary because these are the same adolescents who are supposedly preparing to launch into adulthood in a few years…or seconds. Some of them will be leaving home and trying to survive in the real-world jungle on their own without being eaten by the realities of navigating ATM machines, grocery carts, or the post office for the first time.

The following are ACTUAL quotes from just-such-Innocents AKA teenagers. I’ll leave it to you to decide if we want these kids to vote, cook our fast-food burgers, procreate, and become mayor some day.

“Do we have a zip code?”

“Do guys have ovaries?”

“Can I use a Christmas stamp to mail something in July?”

(As mom is going through menopause) 13-year-old said, “Yeah, it’s hot out today. I bet you’re really sweating because of your dementia.”

(a text): Happy Mother’s Day. Did you move my charger?

Mom sent her teen to the grocery story with a list. Self check out asked how many cilantro he was buying. He counted each stem and the total came out to $60 for one bunch of cilantro.

Teenager said he couldn’t read the letter from his grandfather because it was in Spanish. Cursive…it was in cursive.

Teenager daughter’s car broke down. She got hysterical “cuz all the emojis came on.”

“Where is the elbow grease?”

Freshman in college was horrified the cafeteria was serving whale. Turned out to be “okra” not “orca.”

Teenager was upset after receiving his first paycheck because they took out some for a FICA guy and he didn’t tell them that they could!

Teen texts mom from Subway: “What do I usually order?”

Son needed mom to order a croissant for his date to the dance (corsage).

Teen asks mom when her social security card expires. Mom says, “When you die.”

Teen was making a delivery and called the customer for the gate code to get into the community. The teen on the other end of the phone said, “hashtag 137”

Teen fills out blood type: “Good.”

Son fills out a job application and asks dad, “Have I ever been convicted of a felony?”

“What time zone am I in?

“How do I make half a sandwich? What am I supposed to do with the other piece of bread?”

13-year-old son went in for an eye exam. The nurse asked him to cover his right eye and read the 6th line. He just stood there. She asked him to go ahead and read the 6th line. Finally, after a few minutes of an awkward silence, the nurse said, “Honey, can’t you see the line?” He replied, “Of course I can see it. I just can’t pronounce that word.”

20-year-old daughter asked her parents who would be her guardian if both her parents died. “Um, you’re an adult. You are you own guardian.”

At the opening for a teenager’s new bank account:

Bank employee: Can I get your social?

Teen: (proceeds to give her IG handle)

“Is euthanasia a country or a continent?”

Mom was waiting for some cancer biopsy test results and her son called to ask, “So what’s the result of your autopsy?”

“What happens when all the miles run out on the car?”

Son forgot his tube of face cleanser and had no idea how to use a bar of soap. “Do I wet it? Do I wet my hands first? Or do I wet my face first? I don’t understand what is happening here.”

From the recent eclipse:

“If I look at the sun too long it will damage my urethra.”

“Can I watch in a t-shirt or do I have to be completely covered?”

“I’ve been staring at the sun all week to get my eyes ready.”

“How many days is it going to be dark for?”

Well, folks. These are the real kids walking around in our neighborhoods with sharp scissors and making decisions behind the wheel of cars. I hope we can do better turning teens into functioning adults. I wouldn’t want to run into one of them in a dark alley without their bottle of face cleanser. Who knows what crazy thing they might do.

Source: the leighton show

A PhD in Parenting

In my job as a university professor, I hang out with a lot of smart people.

Experts in their fields.

PhDs can be fascinating to work even while they might be intimidating to some.

The thing is they are really, really good in their areas of study whether than be science, math, music, or biology. It doesn’t mean they know much about other disciplines. However, there is one profession that requires a person to be an expert in pretty much everything.

Parenting.

Think about it. What knowledge and aptitude does it take to be a parent? The profession of parenting requires a comprehensive list of skills. You need a degree in…well…everything! As you think about each degree listed below, consider how it plays into the role of parenting and family life:

Computer Science

Psychology

Health Sciences

Technology

Child (and Human) Development

Fashion/Clothing and Textiles

Media

Biology/Sexuality

Demography

Sociology

Education

Science

Landscape and Horticulture

Event Planning

Nutrition and Culinary Arts

Communication/Conflict Resolution

Business/Finance

Organizational Behavior

History

Genealogy

Law

Linguistics

E.M.T. with a bit of Nursing on the side

Political Science

Civics

Economics

Debate

Leadership

Did you think of any other areas a parent needs to learn about and teach to their children? If we stop to think about it, we are really amazing!

When was the last time you heard someone respond to the question, “What do you do for a living?” with “I am a parent!” just like they would proudly say, “I am a Marine Biologist!” or “I am a Mechanical Engineer!”?

Unfortunately, I usually see the respondent look down and say apologetically, “I am just a mom.”

Stop with the “just” already! We are professionals! We know so much about everything and are enrolled in the most comprehensive “PhD” program in the world.

Parenting: the hardest profession in the world

Parents should be earning their own PhD and “walk” with cap and gown on the day their kids graduate form high school. A PhD should stand for “Parents Have Dominion.”

Because we really do rule the world. You don’t need to be the smartest person in the room to figure that out.

Just what the doctor ordered

I’ve seen the following article shared and reposted on facebook and blogs. Like the “telephone” game, somewhere down the line the wrong author is cited. In most re-posts, it’s attributed to Dr. Ovid, but is in reality, it’s written by a Canadian occupational therapists named Victoria Prooday and called, “A silent tragedy affecting today’s children.” She stated:

For the past 16 years, I have been working with ‘misbehaved’ children. While most parents believe that their kids’ misbehaviour is intentional, I haven’t yet met a child who WANTS to misbehave. A child’s misbehaviour is just a manifestation of a deeper need. It is a desperate call for help. As a society, we address very differently physical and emotional challenges. If a child has physical challenges, we help our child strengthen the weak muscles. However, if a child has emotional challenges, we put them in time-out! Why? Children with emotional challenges need our help too! They need our help strengthening their emotional muscle – self regulation!

https://yourot.com/parenting-club/2017/5/24/what-are-we-doing-to-our-children

There is a silent tragedy unfolding today in our homes, and concerns our most beautiful jewelry: our children. Our children are in an emotionally devastating state! Over the past 15 years, researchers have given us more and more alarming statistics on an acute and constant increase in childhood mental illness that is now reaching epidemic proportions: Stats don’t lie:

• 1 in 5 children have mental health issues

• A 43% increase was observed in ADHD

• An increase of 37% in teenage depression has been observed

• A 200% increase in the suicide rate among children aged 10 to 14 has been observed.

What’s going on and what’s wrong with us? Kids these days are over-Stimulated and over-given material objects, but they are deprived of the foundations of a healthy childhood, such as:

• Emotionally available parents

• clearly defined boundaries

• Responsibilities

• Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep

• Movement in general but especially outdoors

• Creative gaming, social interaction, informal gaming opportunities and spaces for boredom. Instead, the last few years have been filled with the children of:

• Digital Distracted Parents

• Pampering and permissive parents who let children “rule the world” and be the ones who make the rules

• A sense of law, to earn everything without earning it or being responsible for getting it

• Inappropriate sleep and unbalanced nutrition

• A sedentary lifestyle

• Endless stimulation, technological teddy bears, instant gratification and absence of boring moments. What to do ?If we want our children to be happy and healthy individuals, we need to wake up and get back to the basics. It is still possible! Many families are seeing immediate improvements after weeks of implementing the following recommendations:

• Set boundaries and remember that you are the captain of the ship. Your children will feel safer knowing you have the government in control.

• Offer children a balanced lifestyle filled with what children need, not just what they want. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to your children if what they want isn’t what they need.

• Provide nutritious food and limit junk food.

• Spend at least one hour a day outdoors doing activities such as: Cycling, hiking, fishing, bird / insect watching

• Enjoy a daily family dinner without smartphones or technology distracting them.

• Play table games with the family or if the kids are too small for board games, let your interests be carried away and let them be the ones sending in the game

• Involve your children in a task or housework according to their age (folding clothes, ordering toys, hanging clothes, unwrapping food, setting the table, feeding the dog etc.

• Implement a consistent sleep routine to ensure your child sleeps long enough. Times will be even more important for school-age children.

• Teach responsibility and independence. Don’t overprotect them from frustration or error. Being wrong will help them develop resilience and learn to overcome life’s challenges,

• Don’t load your children’s backpack, don’t carry your backpacks, don’t take them the task they forgot, don’t peel their bananas or peel their oranges if they can do it themselves (4-5 years old). Instead of giving them the fish, show them how to fish.

• Teach them to wait and delay gratification.

• Provide opportunities for “boredom”, because boredom is the moment when creativity awakens. Don’t feel responsible for always keeping kids entertained.

• Do not use technology as a cure for boredom, nor offer it at the first second of inactivity.

• Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, shopping malls. Use these moments as opportunities to socialize by training the brains to know how to function when they are in “bored” mode

• Help them create a “Boredom Bottle” with activity ideas for when they’re bored.

• Be emotionally available to connect with children and teach them self-regulation and social skills:

• Turn off the phones at night when kids have to go to bed to avoid digital distraction.

• Become an emotional regulator or coach of your children. Teach them to recognize and handle their own frustrations and anger.

• Show them to greet, to take turns, to share without being left without anything, to say thank you and please, to recognize the mistake and apologize (don’t force them), be a model for all these values that it instills.

• Connect emotionally – smile, kiss, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, play or spoil with them.