Handing out praise like “Good job!” is easy and quick and a feel-good moment. But what does that statement really mean when said to a child?

The effort was good?

The outcome was good?

They are a good kid?

Does doing good equate with being good? To a child, they may internalize that they are only good when they out-perform others or reach an unrealistic standard set by the adult. That’s a sad, conditional type of acceptance.

Praise is using a value judgement or what we think of the child, not what the child is thinking of himself. “I’m so proud of you. Way to go!” is focusing on the adult’s feelings, how they esteem the child, not how he esteems himself. It removes the opportunity for the child to assess his or her own worth and effort. 

It’s not a bad thing to use praise sparingly, and in the right moment, but better yet, parents can use both praise and self reflection to reinforce self concept through external and internal reward systems. With really young children, we use praise almost exclusively because the toddler needs immediate reinforcement and feedback. For example, when learning to walk, we praise each step and encourage getting back up after a fall. We are the mirror to child’s world. 

Being a Mirror vs. Self Reflection

As children grow, however, parents need to step back and use praise, encouragement, and self-reflection. Especially as children become pre-teens and teens, intrinsic motivation becomes important since they will be making decisions on their own, away from their parents most of the time. Encouragement uses self reflection. Rather than a being the mirror (in early parenting), the parent holds up the mirror for the older child to look in and reflect in words and feelings what they see and how they feel. 

If your child comes to you with school grades, parents will often praise, “Wow, all A’s. Good job” without taking the time to ask the child how he or she feels about the grades, or more importantly, the effort they put into earning the grades. An encouraging parent will stop and ask instead, “Look at these grades. How do you feel about them?” Kids may have worked super hard for some B’s and need to acknowledge for themselves that they are really proud. 

Encouragement means we take the time to notice the effort along the way rather than only waiting until the end to give high fives. It’s much more involved parenting and helping the child to recognize her or his worth that is independent from us.

So is praise bad?

No! Just consider the added dimension of encouragement in building self esteem and internal motivation. Encouragement has lasting value because it is sourced from within. It’s authentic and individual. It causes parents to stop more often to notice the good progress and character traits like determination and team work. Not everyone can kick the winning soccer goal or be voted Student Body President, or gets all A’s. But everyone has capacity to build character traits that endure after the applause ends. So point out along the way what you see your child doing such as having good sportsmanship or determination. And when they are first to cross the finish line, that’s great, too. 

Here is an article to guide a parent into developing their child’s intrinsic worth and internal motivation for doing right.

Breaking Down the Task

Parents often commiserate that asking a child to do a chore is like asking them to assemble an IKEA desk out of the box. They hurl themselves on the floor crying, “I can’t do it!” They put up such a fuss, the parent finally throws their hands in the air, and lets the child win. It’s self preservation for both parent and child. The child gets out of doing the job and the parent doesn’t have to deal with the hurricane of emotions.

In this brief article, it talks about breaking down big tasks in point #5. A messy room can be really overwhelming to a child when he doesn’t know where to start. This could be the reason why a child will have meltdowns when asked to do something. Rather than, “Clean up your room,” explore how to build confidence and resilience by showing them how to eat an “elephant” in small, manageable bites. Start with, “After you have put your dirty clothes in the hamper, let me know.” The parent could even model it by rolling up a clothing item into a ball and shooting it into the laundry basket like basketball. They could tell the child to count how many shots they get in the first time and when they are done, come tell them. The child is intrinsically rewarded by their own work/play. Then, when the clothes are done, they could ask the child what the next step is. If they can’t come up with anything, the parent can direct them to a possible next step (put just the stuffed animals in their container, etc.). The idea is to not let the child “get away” with doing nothing because they are dysregulated, and the parent is frustrated. The child needs opportunities to see smaller steps within a big task. A clean up chart would be a good idea to detail the steps in this case. And after each is completed, the parent can say, “You did it,” give a High Five, or ask for self reflection (intrinsic reward).

“How did you do that?”

“How does it feel to have your room a little cleaner?”

“How about that! Does it feel good inside to know you did something that seemed hard at first?”

Praise is lovely, but fleeting. As your child grows, try to use more internal motivation and self reflection to see themselves as source of power and capability. Good parents know they’ve done their job if they work themselves out of a job by the time their teen or young adult is ready to live on their own. They aren’t needed every day to validate that their child is good…or capable…or resilient. They have learned it for themselves already.