Have you ever tried to approach a sullen teenager only to find yourself running for cover? You may need to duck before your head gets clobbered and avoid getting your metaphorical hand bitten off just because you dared touch their prickly shoulder. It’s a lot like working with a wild animal. They are slow to trust and quick to bolt or attack. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who has an agreeable adolescent. If you are instead, a parent of an angsty teen, keep reading.
The world can be an unfriendly, threatening place for many teens. Much like a spook alley with an unknown danger lurking around each corner. In their minds, that threat could appear like a bully at school, fickle friends who change loyalty with the weather, tests and reports at school that fill them with anxiety, online age-inappropriate material they have to process, the fear of not performing up to expectations of a club or team, or social media and news reports that sound like the sky is falling. And so, it’s natural for them to be in perpetual “fight or flight” mode to deal with so many threats.
Can you walk with that reality for a moment to see the world standing in their shoes?
So how does a parent become an anthropologist in an unknown wilderness of hormones and undeveloped brains? If you’ve ever watched someone train a wild horse or gain the trust of an animal, it goes slowly and at the pace of the animal. Think Jane Goodall with the African gorillas. Nothing can be forced or rushed. You learn to speak and gesture in a new language. You learn how to slowly ease him in with jokes and personal touches, like someone who slowly eases a feral animal forward to begin trusting the human. And there are a lot of treats and reinforcement involved.
There a many, many resources to learn this new language and approach. Books like “How to Talk So Your Teen Will Listen & Listen So Your Teen Will Talk” could be useful. This article is one of many on the internet you could explore. I’d also suggest a medical examination from a professional to determine if mental health needs to be addressed.
From my experience, a recalcitrant teen does not want to be bothered by “irritating” questions, or scripted times to “talk.” They try to hurt the ones that love them the most to show how much they are hurting inside. The world is a painful place to them, and they express that pain where they feel the safest. So the trick is to be patient, sit with the teen in their habitat much like Jane Goodall did with the gorillas. She met them where they were at and didn’t demand.
That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be boundaries. Teens are also testing the limits or rules and family values to see where the safe zone is. Even though it may seem they are pushing or rejecting those boundaries, don’t take it personally. For example, if a teen gets in your face with profane, hostile language, you calmly, yet firmly say, “That is not appropriate. I will listen when you are ready to speak respectfully” and turn and walk away. When they are ready, talk with them if they think a rule is unreasonable and be sure to listen without rushing to judgement. Be open to negotiation to show how this can work successfully when they have shown you respect and trust.
If you want some practical ways to try to connect and build trust, I have 8 tips below to tame that teen.
1. Parallel talk. Sit next to him and just have a side-by-side parallel connection. Teens often don’t like it when you sit across from them to maintain constant eye contact. Similiar to a wild animal, this feels challenging, threatening, and vulnerable. Don’t ask any “How are you doing?” or “How was school?” or “Where is your homework?” questions. If he’s playing a videogame, just watch and comment on the game. You are entering their “habitat” so tread softly. If you can play with him, even better. Keep it casual. Or watch a movie together.
2. If your teen is willing to do anything physical, that could be the key to connecting with him. Boys, especially, are prone to connecting through activities but girls enjoy the “treat” of doing something with you that they enjoy. Watching sports together, shooting hoops, working on a car, baking cookies, going for a drive or on a walk, etc. That way, their bodies are moving, their brains are distracted, and it’s easier to have a light conversation. A teenager reflected years later on his wise dad:
“During my teen years, my father told me after dinner each night that he needed to get out to exercise and would do it more often if he had company. But I know it was for us. I had 45 min. of his time every night to talk to him about anything.”
3. Does your teen have any friends to invite over? Encourage your home to be a safe place where you support good friendships and social confidence. Host a pizza hangout or whatever he wants (within reason and being safe). You can be in the background, the observing anthropologist and silent supporter.
4. Ask him to help with something if he’s up for it. Can you get him to go for a ride to the hardware store to pick out materials for a project? Even if he resists, you can say you need his help deciding or to carry stuff to and from the car. Same thing with grocery shopping, gardening, or anything like that. Once a week just to be together. Again, don’t start asking deep questions. Keep it casual to let him know you are there and you love him. Say aloud, “I love you and appreciate how wonderful you are” each time.
5. What does bedtime look like? Are you home around that time where you can go into his room when it’s dark to say goodnight? Darkness dissolves defenses. Typically, when teens are winding down to sleep, they are more relaxed and will at least listen to their parent without snarling. That’s maybe where you can sneak in, “What was the best or worst part of your day?” If they enjoy books, see if they will allow you to read aloud as often as possible.
6. Can you add a daily ritual as you send your teen into the wild world? As they leave for the day, can you tell him you need a hug, or at least say something each morning that can be your mantra. “I love you. You can do this!” or “You are good, now go and do good. I love you.”
7. Be sure to never say anything that would be perceived as harsh judgement or criticism. Teens are like turtles who retreat into their shells. If they stick their heads out to test the temperature, they want to feel safe. So rather than, “I hope your friends aren’t doing drugs” say, “Teens can sometimes take drugs. What are your thoughts about drug use?” If you’re lucky enough to get an answer, respond with “Thank you for sharing. You matter so much to me. I want you to be safe and happy now, and when you are an adult.”
8. I love anything by Dr. Dan Siegal and his hand model of the brain. His explanation helps us talk concretely with our teen about how they perceive their “fight and flight” limbic (animal) system. Use it to educate yourself and your teen to understand how you both can get emotionally charged or aroused, and how to self-regulate again. After all, we aren’t really wild animals. We can learn to engage our pre-frontal cortex, that amazing human side of our brains that help us problem solve, plan, and use higher-ordered reasoning.
So go wild with these ideas. I hope you find them helpful.
Years ago, before c
A Spoonful of Parenting 